North Pole is abuzz with activity. We haven't seen such frenzy since the last mammoth died. Fucking mammoths always trampling elves and decreasing productivity. We all know what Boss did to them. One day he came out dressed all in his best suit of snow white fur and told us he was going out for some air, his coterie of eight in step with him, came back drenched in red, a lot of ivory and the same jolly smile under the blood soaked beard. He's a jolly good fellow. Just don't get on his bad side when he flips.
That was also when an elf last died. Us elves being a hardy breed usually live forever, all of which is spent either in the bed with broken limbs or runny nose, or under the mill creating gifts for some entitled human prick who doesn't even believe in us. I say kill them all fuckers. Not very loudly. Boss wouldn't hear of it. Something about divine retribution mumbo-jumbo.
Last night was different. He flipped bad, man. Kidnapped a score of humans and locked them in a room. Locked me in the room with them. These creatures are annoying, all black suited, babbling about their human rights and constitution and then ordering tea while squabbling for hourly rates and retainers. They have been looking at this large piece of parchment hanging on the wall. That was twenty two hours ago.
Then, the Boss walked in. Same fucking scary red suit. Gives me the jeebies. It was short, the speech - 'All of you. Hey you asshole, in the corner, yes you. Pay attention.' He slammed his hand on the wall and continued, 'This here is the Clause saying I have to produce and deliver gifts to good kids around the world in exchange for one more year of life. I had come to terms with it. Now, you have gone to Mars. Fucking Mars. Again. Normally, I would just paint the planet red like the last time, but I've been led to believe that you can find a way for me out of this Clause and become immortal. You are all the craftiest, cheesiest bloodsuckers on this planet. Find a way out of this for me. Else I'll leave you to my reindeers. They won't be as nice.'
When he stopped, I could hear my heart beat. That's when I noticed this small guy in a hoodie in the corner staring out the window. The mill, of course, they would never have seen it otherwise. Rest of the humans just stared at each other and surprisingly, one by one, gathered around the paper and started taking notes and discussing statute of limitations or something.
This one guy though, the hoodie-man, walks up to the Boss and says, "How about 3D printing dude?"
'Huh?'
"I see you already have huge production capabilities with internet and all."
'Yes. Bill did that.' Boss said, looking puzzled.
"Yeah. Use that and print your products on Mars. That way you won't have to go."
Boss smiled lazily then snapped his fingers and the hoodie-man burned to crisp right there.
'Smartass.'
'Anybody else got ideas now? I do not fucking want a solution to deliver gifts to Mars. I want a way out with immortality so I can chill on a beach in Carribean with my elves and not work another day. Focus and get me out of this contract if you don't want to be toast.'
My first time seeing a burning human. Smelled like bacon. Too charred though, it wouldn't even pass the quality check. Bacon is our most wanted product after all. Three stars at best. Meanwhile, Boss walked over to chat with the dedicated suits. They seemed to have an idea of some sorts.
Boss picked the phone and as soon as it was over, Toby escorted in another bunch, these dressed in white gowns and pointy hats, more sinister aura than the first group. He looked puzzled. They looked downright flabbergasted as Boss walked over.
'Right on time', Boss exclaimed, 'You're not dead. Not yet. Now open that book of yours. What does it say about human folly? Your god made earth, now you've forsaken the earth, what is the divine retribution for that? Tell me.'
The old man in the front, the only one with a longer beard, exclaimed with extreme outrage, "Who are you? What heresy is this? Let us go at once. You'll be punished for your satanic..."
More bacon.
"Learn to spell old man." Toby quipped, "I guess you can't now." He chuckled. I didn't notice when he walked over. This was a surprisingly eventful day.
'Now. Read your texts, I have some original copies. Find me a loophole. I will destroy the human race if I have to. Find a loophole if you want to live. And thank Bill if you do live. You'd have been dead forty years ago.'
Then, Boss walked out, we walked with him. The doors were closed as the suits and the robes communed with their holy scriptures.
Now, 5 minutes ago, the chosen black suit and white robe came out and slowly approached Boss. They whispered in his ears, one at each, explaining what seemed like an awfully long plan. At the end, they stepped back, looking at each other, pleased with themselves. Boss seemed happy too.
He scribbled on a paper for a while, then walked over to me, and said, 'Pippin, send this email for me.'
------
Dear Mr Musk
I hope this finds you in good health.
I am contacting you with a task of urgent import. Either you take over my duties to deliver gifts to the world from me, or I'll cull the world to make the task manageable. Will you be free for a call tomorrow?
Looking forward to your response.
Cheers
Santa Clause
cc Bill Gates, Jeff Bezos
------
Fin
That was also when an elf last died. Us elves being a hardy breed usually live forever, all of which is spent either in the bed with broken limbs or runny nose, or under the mill creating gifts for some entitled human prick who doesn't even believe in us. I say kill them all fuckers. Not very loudly. Boss wouldn't hear of it. Something about divine retribution mumbo-jumbo.
Last night was different. He flipped bad, man. Kidnapped a score of humans and locked them in a room. Locked me in the room with them. These creatures are annoying, all black suited, babbling about their human rights and constitution and then ordering tea while squabbling for hourly rates and retainers. They have been looking at this large piece of parchment hanging on the wall. That was twenty two hours ago.
Then, the Boss walked in. Same fucking scary red suit. Gives me the jeebies. It was short, the speech - 'All of you. Hey you asshole, in the corner, yes you. Pay attention.' He slammed his hand on the wall and continued, 'This here is the Clause saying I have to produce and deliver gifts to good kids around the world in exchange for one more year of life. I had come to terms with it. Now, you have gone to Mars. Fucking Mars. Again. Normally, I would just paint the planet red like the last time, but I've been led to believe that you can find a way for me out of this Clause and become immortal. You are all the craftiest, cheesiest bloodsuckers on this planet. Find a way out of this for me. Else I'll leave you to my reindeers. They won't be as nice.'
When he stopped, I could hear my heart beat. That's when I noticed this small guy in a hoodie in the corner staring out the window. The mill, of course, they would never have seen it otherwise. Rest of the humans just stared at each other and surprisingly, one by one, gathered around the paper and started taking notes and discussing statute of limitations or something.
This one guy though, the hoodie-man, walks up to the Boss and says, "How about 3D printing dude?"
'Huh?'
"I see you already have huge production capabilities with internet and all."
'Yes. Bill did that.' Boss said, looking puzzled.
"Yeah. Use that and print your products on Mars. That way you won't have to go."
Boss smiled lazily then snapped his fingers and the hoodie-man burned to crisp right there.
'Smartass.'
'Anybody else got ideas now? I do not fucking want a solution to deliver gifts to Mars. I want a way out with immortality so I can chill on a beach in Carribean with my elves and not work another day. Focus and get me out of this contract if you don't want to be toast.'
My first time seeing a burning human. Smelled like bacon. Too charred though, it wouldn't even pass the quality check. Bacon is our most wanted product after all. Three stars at best. Meanwhile, Boss walked over to chat with the dedicated suits. They seemed to have an idea of some sorts.
Boss picked the phone and as soon as it was over, Toby escorted in another bunch, these dressed in white gowns and pointy hats, more sinister aura than the first group. He looked puzzled. They looked downright flabbergasted as Boss walked over.
'Right on time', Boss exclaimed, 'You're not dead. Not yet. Now open that book of yours. What does it say about human folly? Your god made earth, now you've forsaken the earth, what is the divine retribution for that? Tell me.'
The old man in the front, the only one with a longer beard, exclaimed with extreme outrage, "Who are you? What heresy is this? Let us go at once. You'll be punished for your satanic..."
More bacon.
"Learn to spell old man." Toby quipped, "I guess you can't now." He chuckled. I didn't notice when he walked over. This was a surprisingly eventful day.
'Now. Read your texts, I have some original copies. Find me a loophole. I will destroy the human race if I have to. Find a loophole if you want to live. And thank Bill if you do live. You'd have been dead forty years ago.'
Then, Boss walked out, we walked with him. The doors were closed as the suits and the robes communed with their holy scriptures.
Now, 5 minutes ago, the chosen black suit and white robe came out and slowly approached Boss. They whispered in his ears, one at each, explaining what seemed like an awfully long plan. At the end, they stepped back, looking at each other, pleased with themselves. Boss seemed happy too.
He scribbled on a paper for a while, then walked over to me, and said, 'Pippin, send this email for me.'
------
Dear Mr Musk
I hope this finds you in good health.
I am contacting you with a task of urgent import. Either you take over my duties to deliver gifts to the world from me, or I'll cull the world to make the task manageable. Will you be free for a call tomorrow?
Looking forward to your response.
Cheers
Santa Clause
cc Bill Gates, Jeff Bezos
------
Fin
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